I could hear people mumbling, stealing glances, and silence that sounded melancholic. Everything that was happening in that atmosphere made me utterly uncomfortable, they were digging my lungs so excruciatingly that for a mere second I was convicted that I could fit all the lands of the world in my single chest. Then someone came up to me to tell me how you were a gem, you were so precious to be lost so soon. Your loss will always be felt he said. Maybe it was a joke I thought, how could someone have audacity to lie about something so ridiculous straight on my face. I didn’t understand. I wanted to punch that person so hard, but never in my life I had felt so disoriented than I was feeling at that moment because I couldn’t sink what was going on, it was unacceptable, it was far-fetched, it was bizarre. It sounded so unconvincing.
I saw you in the casket the other day lying so peacefully that I stopped dead on my feet, my hands were shaking in absolute terror and my mind was running in series of loop, hallucinating with the unexpected episodes of your deaths that I still couldn’t function well. I was frozen in time while my strength was fading along your body that was lowering, lowering to the ground. I was just not ready to lose you yet, I only knew goodbyes that meant see you soon but this was different, this was terrible. I realized that I will never see you again even when I wanted to, even when I tried to, you were never coming back. And our lives will never be the same without you in the picture, in the moments that are yet to be lived and in memories that are yet to be created. I felt defenseless, as if my blood were being ruptured from my arteries. I was completely in the state of mayhem, everything was a wreck. There were cries, mourning, and loves expressed through posts on your Facebook wall. There were prayers in condolences, you were missed in every words. You were just so loved.
They all went home to their families, to their loved ones but since you are not here I felt that our home is closest to the heaven now. I miss you. But when light evanescence in the dusk and darkness follows at night everything feels so heavy, and these alcohol couldn’t erase the burning I feel in my bosom, you are just too far away and I need you to tell me that it’s still fine and you are still here with me tonight. Tears have started to grow reeds on my cheeks and I kept calling your name out of habit, out of need, and out of despair. I want you here, I want you here, I want you here. It’s been days I haven’t heard your voice so I keep going through your voicemails and I hold your sweaters so close, though your scent is growing faint, your absence is so heavy to be unfelt. You are making me so weak. Its past the midnight and my heart so sore from missing you too much.
I went to visit your grave, because maybe we all need closures don’t we? I once feared letting you go but this is me setting you free. I allowed myself to forgive you without a sin, I was so angry before for leaving me to face these demons alone, but then I slowly realized that your death was not your fault. Everything that have beginnings have endings too. And sometimes I found myself dwelling in stage 2, mourning and grieving all over again but sometimes I was okay. Sometimes I would write your name all over the paper, I would read your favorite book and sometimes I missed you in silence. I started writing again. I still searched for you in the people and in places, in corners and in my dreams, I missed you in your favorite songs, and in all the poems you used to write. I missed you everywhere.
This is me at this point of time where I realized that I’ll mourn you forever, there’s no exact numbers of days when my heart will stop reminiscing you, or forget your laughter that was once used to be sunshine, you are still my sunshine. And I’ll never stop sending my love through prayers. I am gradually growing with your grief, learning some tough love and loving you from afar. I was never okay with you going away, I know that I’ll never be either but I am slowly learning, accepting and moving forward with you always in my heart. Some other days when I miss you a little more and alcohol is too low to intoxicate my veins, I always tend to linger back to stages 2 and stages 3, but that’s all the parts of mourning I guess, and truth is my heart will always calls out for you, you will forever remain there till the time my own body is lowered into the ground. Until next time, sending you all my love, Take care.
लेखक : Santosh Lamichhane
मिती : November, 2018
लेखक : एन. पी. खतिवडा
मिती : 2016
लेखक : Laxmi Prasad Devkota
मिती : Evergreen
लेखक : Santosh Lamichhane
मिती : September, 2015