They say I’m suicidal.
timer Published Date:2nd Oct, 2020

I have been battling depression by one and a half year now, and some people, they say I am suicidal. I can’t even disagree for I want to know whom I’ll be when it ends when it will be over. I see people all triumph and happy and I see myself and think where I did I go all wrong. And I get this urge to run the blade across my wrist, to feel that cold blood rushing in waves and to feel that fall when I’ll jump off from the 5th floor of the sad tall building. Where is your happy pill? They ask me, or do I only see dark clouds hovering everywhere? Are the voices in my head so real that they make me want to die? But what if I say yes? What if hurting myself is only what I think about? To end this in a heartbeat, to feel that eerie silence, and watch everything slip away infront of my eyes slowly slowly, my breath dissipating like a thin air. I want to know the aftermath, will I finally be in peace and my heart less hurt? And my mind less shattered? What do you do when your own breathing feel like you being chained up inside you, how long will it take you to overdose or hang yourself in the ceiling? But everything is so blurry and grey, I don’t even know how many times I have killed myself in my own thoughts, sometimes choking myself and other times with bullets causing holes on my chest. I keep them all to my self, all the dark things that come up, I swallow them, people say I’m scary when I tried opening up to them, they thought I was more of a coward to feel certain emotions that were not normal to them, so I tried to change myself, but I still saw empty canvas while others saw beautiful colors and patterns in them, and it made me feel more worse than before, I still got the urge to pick that blade and this time I didn’t only wanted to cut my wrist, but also slash my arms, my thigh, my neck and everywhere my skin has spread. They say I’m suicidal but all I want is to know true peace, and tonight I’ll lose myself in a way I’ll find myself completely.

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अल्टिमेट आकाश

अल्टिमेट आकाश

लेखक : Santosh Lamichhane

मिती : November, 2018

भावनाको तरेलीमा

भावनाको तरेलीमा

लेखक : एन. पी. खतिवडा

मिती : 2016

मुना मदन

मुना मदन

लेखक : Laxmi Prasad Devkota

मिती : Evergreen

चामल खानेहरू र चौलानी पिउनेहरू

चामल खानेहरू र चौलानी पिउनेहरू

लेखक : Santosh Lamichhane

मिती : September, 2015

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BOOKSView All

अल्टिमेट आकाश

अल्टिमेट आकाश

लेखक : Santosh Lamichhane

प्रकाशन: November, 2018

बितरक : Samakalin Sahitya Pratisthan

भावनाको तरेलीमा

भावनाको तरेलीमा

लेखक : एन. पी. खतिवडा

प्रकाशन: 2016