I don’t know where I would start from, I don’t even know where it’s leading to. But this is for sure that there’s list of things that I wished I knew before I turned sixteen. ‘Sixteen’, a time in everyone’s lives where fate meets havoc, destiny meets disaster. Every people have their share of twists and turns, academic plannings, life decisions, choosing career paths, it’s like turning into alchemy of some sorts.
But I wished I didn’t spent the best year of my life building bridges for the future, the future which was uncertain itself, future which is now. I wonder why I was so worried back then for the time that will eventually come knocking at our door. I wish I was fearless, fearless enough to know what I truly wanted, what truly made me happy. I wished I didn’t just listened to other people when I should be listening to myself. I just kept running after the things that I thought it can make me happy, without knowing that happiness comes from within.
I wished I knew that the wire of my braces and the numbers in the weighing scale doesn’t make me who I am, the smile with those braces still looks beautiful and I could still flaunt that black dress with all of my curves. I wished I knew that I didn’t have to be pretty like her when I can be pretty like myself. I wished I didn’t pretended to love pink when green was my favorite just because all of the girls in my class loved every shades of pink; magenta, peach, salmon, rosewood and hot pink. I wished I knew I do not have to impress anyone be it a new boy in the class or the crush from a year ago. The most important thing I wished I knew that the boy that broke my heart when I was sixteen would not even matter year after. I wished I knew how to loved myself more instead of expecting love in return, wanting to be loved so desperately.
I wished I went to that piano lessons, did that dance on the stage, learned how to swim, wrote daily, sang loudly, loved deeply, hugged people too often, for everything I didn’t do because I thought I might get scolded or scared about what others might think of me or about me. I wished back then I knew that regrets last lifetime, and happiness is greater than the grudges we hold against our heart.
I wished I knew how to be myself rather than the reflection of the image that I wasn’t. I wished I knew it’s not the number of the friends that counts but the ones that stayed. I wished I knew that I am smarter than my grades, intelligent than what my school makes me believe. I am my own kind of fairy tale, I am my own knight in shining armor.
I wished I knew that how much you try, you’ll still be not enough for some people, some people will still hate you for no reason, some people will always try to bring you down. But the greater ones are the one who forgive, who forget and who let go. I wished I knew that I can be nice but still say no. I don’t have to be puppet out of people’s hands just because I believe in kindness. I wished I knew that I should stand up for the values that I hold and let my voices be heard. I wished I knew I was brave, I wished I mustered up all my courage to fight with my demons that haunted me every night.
I wished I knew that no matter how far you fly, you should always know where the ground is. I wished I took chances even knowing I might be the one laying on the floor ;bleeding and injured. I wished I knew that people who turns their back in the dark are the same ones that come running back to you when you are illuminated in lights so bright. I wished I knew growing up isn’t that bad; life’s tough but that’s okay, we all fall, but brave are the ones who stand tall again.
I wished I knew it’s important to be true to myself than proving it to the world that you are. I wished I knew bruised knees hurts less than cruel words. I wished I knew that love can conquer the world because hate is a strong word. I wished I knew I’ll know peace when I’m in chaos. I wished I knew self love is greater love. I wished I knew I’ll find all my answers of the questions with every concurring defeat.
I wished I knew my sixteen year old self deserved every happiness. I wished I knew that one day I’ll be accepted for who I am and I’d be loved for the person I’ve become. I wished my sixteen year old self knew that I am so so so proud over the fact that you are so strong and resilient. I wished I knew that things that made me cry will one day make me laugh.
Dear my sixteen self I wished I knew I’d be writing it to myself because this was something no one had told me when I was sixteen when I wished someone had.
Yours, and only yours.
लेखक : Santosh Lamichhane
मिती : November, 2018
लेखक : एन. पी. खतिवडा
मिती : 2016
लेखक : Laxmi Prasad Devkota
मिती : Evergreen
लेखक : Santosh Lamichhane
मिती : September, 2015